It’s scary…
I used to blog, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly. It was a huge part of my life for a few years.
Then I became ill and a bunch of events beyond my control took place. My memory became terrible.
With everything that took place, I decided to take a break from social media, for I hardly had anyone that really cared. We all know we just keep track of people that we hardly speak to as years go by, lurking behind our computers while facebook stalking them looking through the photos and status updates.
I was done doing that, it was depressing, reminding me where I wasn’t in my life.
I decided to take a break from reading the news for a good while, my health was bad and too much stress just created a lot of problems. I didn’t have time for the problems of the world, I had my own body to fix.
And I had to drop out of college… that was the hardest and most painful thing to do. There was no way I could competently participate in academics of any kind, my mind- it wasn’t operating at full capacity at that point. I mean, I was sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day because my health was so bad and I couldn’t seem to get enough rest.
For years I have been pretty isolated having lost a lot of friends, some not my fault, some may be my fault, and others probably my fault. It’s been painful.
During these isolating years with only family and two friends, one out of state, I struggled. Three years, three years dealing with this illness, recovering, and being practically isolated from the world. Lucky if I spoke to maybe one person a day- it’s been rough.
My life is not where I want it to be, nowhere near where I want it to be. I live with my parents, not something I imagined at this age.
However, I am getting back into the world again now that I am starting to finally show improvement in my health. Man, a lot has happened while I was ‘away.’
So much I don’t know and, it’s overwhelming!
So much I need to relearn, skills I need to learn that are now important in order to be able to compete in this world, to even have a chance!
I know what I need to do. I have to take these challenges, my goals I have in mind, and break them down in bite-size chunks in order to complete them. There’s an enormous difference between knowing though and your brain still being filled with massive anxiety because it won’t stop from looking at the big picture instead of all the little details I could be working on.
It doesn’t help I’m not a very positive person, the last time I was positive was when I was a child. These years of being sick haven’t really helped any potential I have had in becoming a positive person. Quite the opposite.
I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I’m very scared as to what my future holds, because right now… it’s pretty lackluster.
In truth, I have become a very scared human being in general.
I look around my room, the books sitting on shelves waiting for me to read them, but I stare at fear. the last time I really read I could barely comprehend the words on the page despite the fact reading had been my life. That was a new feeling for me and a very scary one.
Read More »